Monday, February 25, 2013


I need your jokes!  Apparently, according to a Facebook post, 15 minutes of laughing is as energizing as two hours of sleep, if you believe Facebook.

I love jokes!   I love puns!  The shorter jokes the better.  I can't remember long jokes.  Help make your fellow humans, or at least me, your fellow human, laugh. I want to laugh a lot.  Give me your funniest puns, knock-knock jokes, snarky jokes, ironic jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes.

I want an arsenal of jokes. Please help make a 60 year old woman happy.  Send me your jokes!

Thank you.


  1. A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

    The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

    After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

    The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Heck, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

  2. The Indian Chief goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor! Last night I dreamed I was a tee pee and the night before I dreamed I was a wig wam!" The doctor pats his arm and says, "You're too tense." (get it? too tense? two tents?)


  3. Sent to me by Rosie Bartels:

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
    drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs
    some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
    them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his
    mouth and swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    The guy says, "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in
    sight, the little pest. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes
    his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He
    orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
    man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
    He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he

    "Now what?", responds the patron.

    "Well, he just put a cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"
    says the barkeeper.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
    everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures
    everything first."

  4. Sent o me by Rosie Bartels:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in western South
    when she saw an elderly Sioux woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was long and a quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
    Sioux woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got
    in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Sioux
    woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

    "What's in the bag?" asked the old Sioux woman.

    Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it
    for my husband."

    The elderly Sioux woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the
    quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

  5. Sent o me but Rosie Bartels:

    Andy Rooney¹s Thoughts on Life:

    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
    I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
    And then you die. What’s that? A bonus?

    I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
    You should die first and get it all over with!

    Then you start your life in an old age home.
    You get kicked out when you’re too young.
    You get a gold watch. You go to work.
    You work 40 years until you’re young enough
    to enjoy your retirement.
    You party and carouse around.
    Then you get ready for high school.
    After that you go to grade school and become a kid.
    You play. You have no responsibilities.
    You become a little baby and go back into the womb.
    You spend your last nine months floating . . .
    Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it!

    Rose Mary Bartels CPA
    Bartels Accounting Inc
    dba Rosie B’s Tax Service
    601 N Forest Ave Liberty MO 64068
    816-792-0339 office
    1-724-389-0014 fax

  6. Sent to me by Rosie Bartels:

    . I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
    . When chemists die, they barium.
    . Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    . A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
    seasoned veteran.
    . I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
    any time.
    . How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    . I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on
    . This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
    never met herbivore.
    . I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
    . I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
    . They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
    . A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    . PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
    . Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    . Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
    . Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
    . I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    . How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
    . Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
    she couldn't control her pupils?
    . When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    . What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
    . I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
    . Broken pencils are pointless.
    . What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A
    . England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    . I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    . I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    . All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
    Police have nothing to go on.
    . I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    . Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    . Velcro - what a rip off!
    . Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
    . Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
    . Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
    . I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
    . Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too

    Rose Mary Bartels CPA
    Bartels Accounting Inc
    dba Rosie B's Tax Service
    601 N Forest Ave Liberty MO 64068
    816-792-0339 office
    1-724-389-0014 fax

  7. This comes from Sonny Jaben .I just got off the phone with a friend who lives western Kansas.

    She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
    The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
    Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
    She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in.