A Good Life

Most of us live in a time and place where living well is an option. We are not among the unfortunate souls who exist in war-torn places, or among those who are the victims of abuse and neglect or famine and war. For those of us fortunate to live in peace, with plenty of food and shelter, surrounded by those we love and who love us in return, we have good lives. Sometimes it's not readily apparent to us that our lives are good until our lives are not.  We inhabit this earth for only a short time.  If we live a full life, we fall ill and die in just a relatively short length of time - 60, 70, 80 years or so. Most of us want to make a difference, want to be special, want to make our mark.

Before each of us succumb to our inevitable demise, how can we live a "good life."  Most of us are not rich, or beautiful or brilliant. We have neither the intellect of Stephen Hawkings nor the beauty of Charlize Theron. We are not rich like Warren Buffett, nor powerful like President Obama. We do not command large armies, nor oversee mammoth corporations. When we die, only our loved ones will weep, and once they end, so will the memory of our existence also end. 

Yet, we have the capacity for living as joyous, satisfying and fulfilling lives as anyone. These are some of the ways I have found to appreciate the lives we live:

1.  Be grateful for what you have.  Remember that horrifyingly painful abscess in your tooth when the pain radiated so intensely your aching jaw felt on fire?  Remember the relief of the Novocaine?  Remember after your baby emerged and you held him or her and the all-encompassing contractions stopped?  Remember after you graduated from school and your friends and family celebrated?  Your wedding, your first kiss, the embrace of a parent?  These are things for which we should be grateful. 

2.  Understand what it means to make a difference in the world.  When we give to another, we make a difference. We all want to make a difference, or leave our mark. When you love someone else, a sibling, a friend, a child or a lover, I believe you make your mark. We are not all Abraham Lincolns. But, if you  have made at least one person happy, even for a little while, you have made the world a better place. 

3.  Experience life.  Experiences are more satisfying than acquiring possessions.  do you remember your honeymoon, the family trip to the lake, the time you climbed that tree?  Do you remember how your grandmother sounded, the way your spouse's clothes smell with his or her sent, the way that wonderful birthday steak tasted?  Did the pleasure of acquiring a new television or car last as long? After the raise, did you relish in the additional money, or take it in stride and hope for more?

4.  Forgive others. Hatred and revenge tear up your soul.  We all suffer injustices, slights and ill treatment. We all need to remove ourselves from these situations. Once removed, it be hooves us to let the anger, hatred and desire for revenge go. It is only when we free ourselves of our anger, can we live fulfilling lives. Spite is poison. Seeking revenge erodes your soul. Someone, I don't know who, explained it this way, "Seeking revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."  

5.  Love yourself. accept yourself for who you are. You need not be beautiful or rich or the most popular person. You are who you are, with warts and faults and all. Forgive yourself when you make a mistake. Admit your mistakes. Apologize for the wrongs against others you commit.  But, do not change who you are simply to be liked. You are enough. 

6.  Love others.  To truly love another person or people, you must be willing to give without expecting anything in return. It is the act of giving, unconditionally, that sets you free. Give to others anonymously. Feel the joy of giving without expecting anything. 

  

7.  Empathize with others.  The world would be a better place if we just tried to understand other people's points of view. We all are products of our experiences. If we understand the pressures or fears of others, we can be patient, kind or at least understanding. The world is not black and white. If we want to feel understood and valued, we must try to understand and value others. 

I hope that all of you reading this figure out, in your own ways, to have a good life. 

🌴🌴🌴🌸🌸🌸🌺🌺🌺🌷🌷🌼🌼🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🌳🌳🌾🌾🌱🌱🌾🌾🌷🌷💐💐🌺

Too Violent Too Soon or Is This How We Cull The Herd?

Years ago, long before I went to law school, I witnessed the aftermath of a car chase. The man the officers were chasing was dragged out of his car, dropped on the ground and hit and kicked by two or three officers. What did I do?  Nothing. I regret I just drove off.  I hope I would raise hell if I witnessed something like this today. This was long before cellphones, long before Rodney King and long, long before Ferguson. I believe the man who was pummeled was white. I have no idea why he was being chased. The incident disturbed me, but not enough to tell anyone or do anything. Sigh... I am not proud of my inaction.

Years later, I represented a police officer who had been injured in a car chase. He joined the chase in progress.  My client assumed the the man being chased had committed a felony. In fact, the guy had merely been speeding and the chase ensued when a deputy sheriff of a rural county got ticked because the speeder wouldn't pull over. When the deputy commenced chasing the speeder, he had his eight year old daughter unrestrained in the front seat of his cruiser and he then smashed into my client's police car. At that time, the speeder got away, but was ultimately at his residence after his license plate was run through the system.  What a Keystone Cops-like experience. Fortunately, the 8 year old daughter escaped injury.

Unfortunately, I have also represented, in more than one case, the families of men who were gunned down by police officers. One man killed was the unarmed father of a suspect. All the decedents were unarmed at the time they were killed. None of the suspects had committed violent crimes.

These are examples of reckless acts I either witnessed or with which I had some participation.  Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line daily and many are real heroes.  But, sometimes, there is a disconnect.  Why are unarmed people being shot to death?  Why are innocent bystanders killed in silly car chases?  And, most disturbingly, why are a disproportionate number of African Americans men being stopped and even shot and killed?  There is something wrong with how we allow law enforcement officers to enforce laws. And, the fault lies with all of us who do not demand more.

We need to reevaluate how law enforcement personnel are trained and accepted into academies. Too many people, suspects and police,  are carrying guns out their and killing and maiming others.  Other countries don't experience the number of police/suspect vain violence as does the United States. When you add fear and bigotry and increasing distrust of officers,we are faced with perilous consequences.  There is a disproportionate number of minorities who are routinely stopped for DWB (driving while Black). Guns are too easily accessible for irresponsible and unhinged citizens. For crying out loud, this isn't 1880's Dodge City. Oh, I fogot.  Perhaps it is with the new Kansas gun laws allowing unrestricted carry for untrained and potentially unhinged citizens.  Perrhaps we will have future showdowns at the OK Corrals. 

You know, humans have no natural predators, except other humans. Are we wired to be violent and paranoid so we don't overpopulated the earth?  How messed up is the human race?  Really messed up. We need to stop!!!  We need to change!!!  The alternative is not just terrifying, it's sub-human.

Post-script - 9:09 pm. Blue Springs teen dies in wreck following police chase http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/crime/article18348026.html

FOR ALL OF THE MISOGYNISTIC TROLLS : The Sadistic Psychology Of Internet Trolls by Jennifer Gollbeck and published by viralwomen.com

This post was written by Jennifer Golbeck.  I couldn't have said it better,  "Both trolls and sadists feel sadistic glee at the distress of others. Sadists just want to have fun . . . and the Internet is their playground!". So, for all you sadistic sociopaths, enjoy.  Signed, Lynne Bratcher:

"Internet trolls have infested every corner of the social internet. Anyone who makes the mistake of reading the comment section of an article by, about, or even mentioning women knows a lot of those trolls turn to deeply misogynistic, threatening, and even violent comments. What drives them to act out like this? Science offers some insight…

Last year, researchers at the University of Manitoba investigated trolls and their personality traits, publishing their findings—"Trolls just want to have fun"—in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences.

The study gathered information about people's psychological traits called the Dark Tetrad. This is a group of four personality traits: narcissism (selfishness, obsessive self-interest, feelings of grandiosity and superiority), Machiavellianism (a belief that the ends justify the means), psychopathy (lack of empathy, low inhibitions, antisocial), and sadism (enjoyment of inflicting pain on others).  

The researchers wanted to see if trolls had those traits more often than non-trolls. They had over 1,200 people in their study. Everyone took personality tests to gauge their Dark Tetrad scores, a test that measured how much they enjoyed trolling online, and a survey about how they liked to spend their time online. 

Everyone in the study had close to normal scores on their personality tests—except for people who like to troll. The trolls had extremely high scores on all four Dark Tetrad traits. In fact, the scientists said " . . . the associations between sadism and [trolling] scores were so strong that it might be said that online trolls are prototypical everyday sadists."

The researchers continue, "Both trolls and sadists feel sadistic glee at the distress of others. Sadists just want to have fun . . . and the Internet is their playground!"

So if your goal is cause distress and suffering for other people, how do you do it? If you're addressing women, you demean them, objectify them, and threaten sexual violence. It may also feed into troll's narcissistic feelings of grandiosity, especially if male trolls believe their gender is part of what makes them superior. 

Unfortunately, this sadistic component of trolling makes it hard to combat. The angrier people get in response to the trolling posts, the happier the trolls are. They intentionally choose their misogynistic, violent messages because they are socially unacceptable and produce a response. Ignoring them can be hard, however, because letting such messages go unchallenged can feel like offering passive approval. 

As a computer scientist, I see the true solution to trolls in technology that automatically blocks their messages before they are seen. This would prevent said trolls from getting the attention they crave and causing the harm they're after; it would also prevent their hateful comments from being seen as acceptable online behavior.

"There is added challenge to blocking worthless trolling comments while still allowing free speech and open dialogue, but many scientists are working toward a solution. When we have a high-quality troll-blocking tool, it will bring us one step closer to making the internet a safer, more comfortable place for women to interact.

--

Author : Jennifer Golbeck

(via ravishly.com)

- See more at: http://viralwomen.com/post/freedom_of_speech_should_not_protect_hate_speechor_violent_threats_online#sthash.9c7QJNot.dpuf

FEELING AT PEACE IN A BEAUTIFUL WORLD

Humans engage in shenanigans, but if all we do is focus on the negativity of societies, we miss its glorious ess. Here's to celebrating beauty, love, and empathy!

No Glass Ceilings When You Stay Outside

Today is the International Day of Women.  I read a lot about women hitting the glass ceiling.  We know there are few female CEO's in America.  Germany, this last week, passed a law requiring a certain quota of women in corporate leadership.  It is true that women earn less money in business and women of color earn much less than both men and white women.  Our society has a lot of problems with equality.

I submit that one of our major problems with equality stems from the majority of us following a minority of people who dictate what it takes to get ahead, make money, and who should perform all of the housework and child-rearing.  Why is it so great to ignore your family, overwork, over-drink, and be a cutthroat in the boardroom?

I think that the majority of us in this country, those of us not at the pinnacle of corporate power and wealth, lead rather than follow.  Most of what I read about what women need to do is how to fit in with the status quo. Why? I don't want to live that way.  I don't want to think of money before all else, at the expense of family and a well-rounded life.

This life offers so much.   We live in an age where anything we want to know about science, history, philosophy is at our fingertips.  There has never been a better time for those of us with intellectual curiosity, creative minds and nurturing hearts.  Why do we have to follow the oppressive corporate model.

I am lucky.  For all but three years of my 31 years as a lawyer, I have been self-employed.  While I do not have free reign when a judge requires me to be in court, or when I have to do what I do in my job, I have some control.  There are no "glass ceilings" in our office.  We have the best staff in the world (of that, I am sure and if you met them, you would be sure, too.  And my law partner and I love being lawyers.  We love the law, the intellectual and creative challenges, the belief that we are making a difference.  And we get to represent people we grow to care about, a lot.  We represent courageous people who remind us of what is important in life.  We have families, we work hard, but it is a labor of love, most of the time.

If everyone stuck in a job with an oppressive or abusive boss, or in a rut that management will not let them escape, had an opportunity to find work they love, and that will pay the bills, people wouldn't care about the glass ceiling.  Being in charge of thousands of people, clawing one's way up the corporate ladder over the corpses of the less-driven is, in my opinion, a miserable way to live.

If more of us had the courage and drive to think outside the box, find a way to circumvent the dead-end jobs, start a cupcake store, or design websites, or whatever, perhaps this would be a better place to live.  We need entrepreneurs, we need free-thinkers, we need creative people.  Perhaps for many, busting through the glass ceiling only ends with a terrible headache.

This is not advice for everyone.  This is just for those who are sick of taking orders and have an innate sense that they can do it better.  If that's you, find a way to break free.  And then, you must work harder, and be more dedicated and more passionate about what you do.  Hang in there.  You are the real movers and shakers.

Stay outside, away from the ceilings, and bask in the sun.  The rain will come, but it will help the flowers grow.  STAY OUTSIDE and no ceiling will hurt you.

House of Cards, Missouri Style

I have been home feeling very poorly since Wednesday evening,  bored and feeling too sick to concentrate on real work. Two things happened while I was filled with self-pity and boredom. The first was, on Thursday morning that Auditor Tom Schweich shot himself and was in the hospital.  We soon discovered he was dead.  I do not know Tom Schweich at all, and I voted for his first opponent, but I and apparently many others, were shocked that this 54 year lawyer, in his first time politically elected position, and just a month and a half after he announces his candidacy for Governor, would then shoot himself in the head.

Even though I had never met the man, in the few years he served as out auditor, I was impressed.  He audited.  He went after several agencies.  We had a trial in St. Joseph, Missouri around the time the first hint of Schweich's audit of the school district broke. The news was disconcerting, money running out of the school board as if it were running a marathon.  No educators or administrators accounting for expenses, going through the bid process, or acting as if they were handling public funds.  This was outrageous stuff and heads were going to roll.

When Schweick announced for Governor, he criticized Missouri's self-appointment Little Caesar, Rex Sinquefield, for engaging in bribery, presumably legal bribery nonetheless, for contributing $1,000,000s  to candidates and causes with which Mr. Anti-Tax, Anti-Kindness and Anti-Dear Heart would contribute.  Reading through the lines, I thought Schweich felt like many, this blatant buying off Missouri government was not just disappointing, but down-right scary.  Sinquefiled seems to want to call the shots, and I thought we don't have monarchies here.

But the thing that was the strangest, was the Republican Party leader, John Hancock (really, his parents could not be a little more original?) admitted that he might have told other Republicans that Schweich was Jewish, even though he was Episcopalians with a Jewish father.  Hancock claimed he really thought Schweich was Jewish.  As a Jew, I wonder why Republican Hancock thinks Schweich being a member of the Jewish faith was significant to his work as a Republican.  It feels the same way when men criticize other men by telling them the "throw like a girl."  You know it's an insult and you wonder why it's needed.  Schweich had a Jewish grandfather, so what?

However, Hancock had riled Schweich up so much the day Schweich died that Schweich had scheduled a press conference to discussion the issue, scheduled for Schweich's home at 2:30 p.m., some 5 hours or so before Schweich died.

There are a lot of things here that make no sense to me.  Again, I don't know Schweich and I do not know who does.  He may have been very upset, perhaps suicidal.  It seems odd, though, that a person would muster the energy to declare a candidacy for the highest office in this state, start campaigning, go to some whatever they go to, hear personal slams, etc., call reports to schedule a press conference that day, and then kill oneself hours before the press conferences and minutes after the conferences were scheduled.

Schweich sure looked good on paper.  He was a maverick-y, whistle blower-type.  He listened to the beat of a different drummer.  I thought those qualities were so refreshing.  An auditor who audits he government, who fights greed and corruption for the common good.  Ahhh.  What a nice thought.  I suspect Katherine Hanaway, who I do not know at all, has a particular set of skills that differ from Schweich's.    I

I am at a loss because I did not know of Schweich enough to imagine what could have been.  But, this weekend, I began watching Season 3 of House of Cards.  That was the second event of which I mentioned above. Yikes!  For the first time I have more insight into what government can become if there are no checks.  Schweich was renowned for fighting corruption.  We need those with courage to fight the status quo.  We need people like Tom Schweich.  I hope no elected officials more mysteriously die.

Patricia Arquette - A New Appreciation

I watched "Boyhood? and really enjoyed the movie.  It is a sweet story about a boy growing up in a household after his parent's divorce. Patricia Arquette  was very good as the boy's mom, but I have never really thought much about her.  I knew she has won a lot of awards for her performance and I think her acceptance speeches have been just fine, until tonight.

Watching the Academy Awards, Arquette predictably won the Oscar for best supporting actress.   She got up to give her speech, like she did at the other awards ceremonies.  As she got to the end of the obligatory thank you's, her words began to come more rapidly.  This is not what I had seen before.  In a hurried fashion, trying to get the words out before the orchestra started playing, she raised her Oscar and declared, "We need to make sure that women are paid equally."  She went on about pay inequity and and the struggles of female workers.  Meryl Streep and other women in the crowd started clapping their hands over their heads.  It was so cool.

When the movie "The Interview" was protested by North Korea, and the Sony emails were leaked, some interesting facts came out.  In "American Hustle." Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams were paid less than Bradley Cooper and Christian Bale.  Why?  There was no explanation, but women actors typically are paid less than men, even when women such as Lawrence and Adams are major audience draws.

Our society pays women less than men, and women of color are paid considerably less than men of any color, but especially white men.  Gender pay inequity is so ingrained in our society that it goes unquestioned.  There is excuse after excuse, but the fact remains, women are paid less than men. Single mothers are oftentimes hard-pressed to pay their bills.  I grew up in a household where my parents were divorced,. My very intelligent mother worked hard, but we hardly got by and my grandparents helped subsidize our living expenses.  We could not live on my mother's wages.  There is no good reason that men should be paid more than women.  It has been 50 years since the the Equal Pay Act was passed outlawing pay discrimination, but women still make $.76 for every $1.00 a man makes, on average.

It was so unexpected and wonderful to hear Patricia Arquette.  It's about time that women are valued monetarily, where it counts in our society.  Good for Arquette!

Throwing Like A Girl

You know when movies show soldiers in war and the Sergeant comes up and calls them to attention, and calls the men to attention by saying, "Ladies, are you going to fight or run?" or some such nonsense after calling the guys "ladies."  Well, folks, calling men "ladies" is no insult.  Calling anyone "ladies" is a downright compliment.

I represent both women and men and I have met some pretty amazing people of both genders.  Some of my male clients have demonstrated amazing courage, but no less than some of my female clients.  In today's day and age, women fight in wars, play baseball, drive race cars, climb mountains, become neurosurgeons, write computer programs, and fight fires.  Men bake cakes, drive the kids to school, type, clean houses and grocery shop.

When I grow up I want to be Mo'Ne Davis.  She throws like a girl.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH OUR TAXES GOING FOR COLLEGE?

When I was a teenager, my family did not have a lot of money to send me to college.    Even though I had decent grades in high school, with little effort or extra-curricular activities, I need to stay home and help my brother and mother get by.  A single mother back then, my mother, could not raise a family on a secretary's salary.  My mother was, and is, smart and she worked hard, but she just couldn't stretch the pittance she was paid.  My dad was not sending child support and I suspect that he could not, with another son and wife in the mix.  So, I feared it was up to me to get through college.

When I went to my guidance counselor at Southwest High School, she asked me to which schools I applied and I told her UMKC.  "Oh, your grades reflect that you can go away to a better school than that."  I explained, I could not. I was helping my mom pay bills and the easiest way to be able to pay bills was to work in Kansas City while in school.  Of course, my decision was made more palatable by my then boyfriend, now husband, living in the area and also attending UMKC.

When I got ready to apply for school, I applied for financial aid.  In addition to the application for scholarships (I got one which I lost after the fun first year), I applied for somethings I had never heard of before - a Pell Grant and work-study.   I did not know these programs were need-based, what many would call "welfare."  I got that aid, and worked in various departments for work-study, Speech and Hearing Science and English and Biology.  I liked those jobs and learned things there , doing clerical work, that I would not have known otherwise.  Plus, I developed a strong work ethic.

The Pell Grant sure came in handy!  I do not know how I would have got through undergraduate studies with out those funds.  When I married after my junior year, I no longer qualified because of my husband's family's assets and income.  By then, I did not need the money.  My husband worked, and he helped with my last year of undergrad and he and my grandmother, along with my work, were able to help me through law school five years later.

I am sure grateful for the government assistant, welfare, if you will, that I received that helped me to get an education.   I hear some people say that a college education was not worth the price.  I sure got many times more than the assistance was worth.  Up until college, I could type.  Typing was my only real skill.  I could have worked as an administrative professional my whole life, but,  to be brutally truthful, I was not that great of a secretary.  I worked hard, but I was not a perfectionist.  I hated to proofread and I loathed correcting errors not only on the cover letter, but also on copies with "white-out."  Plus, my hand-eye coordination is not that great and I do not type fast and make lots of mistakes.  I am much more suited to be a lawyer.  I feel I have been a productive citizen and the investment this country made in me was a good one.

Now, instead of increasing aid to students, some states like Kansas, want to cut aid.  People balk at President Obama's plan for more educational assistance. I guess if I had been born thirty years later, I would be somebody's horrible secretary messing up letters and would be burned out.

It seems to me that we can set up a system for free college education at some public colleges, just a s we do for secondary education.  In a few short years,  manual jobs won't exist and technical will continue to be more intense.  Don't we owe the people of the future the opportunities to succeed and to make this world succeed.  We are all part of this great big marble.  We need to start acting like it.

TEN SUGGESTIONS FOR LIVING A FULFILLING LIFE

Ten Suggestions For Living A Good Life

1.  Give more than you take and give with no expectations.

2.   Be persistent and tenacious.  Nothing worthwhile is easy.  Don't take the easiest way, challenge yourself even when you are scared.

3.   Laugh every day and make others laugh every day. 

4.   Surround yourself with bright colors.

5.   Listen to music you love every day, and sing even if you are tone deaf.

6.   Become serene, breathe deeply, and be outdoors.

8.   Stay curious and read a lot and continue to learn, grow and accept change.

9.   Realize that forgiveness sets you free.

10.  Surround yourself with people you love and love children and dogs.